September 1998

+ Wednesday - September 30, 1998

Today I came into work early (3:30am). What's cool about coming in that early, is that I get to watch the city come alive. Right about 7am, things start to happen. The sun starts to come up, and since my office view looks west, the westward sky is dark but the sun reflects off of the surrounding skyscrapers. It is such a cool site. Then looking out of my other window I can see one of the main highways leading into downtown. Being on the 21st floor, I can see quite far. It's amazing how many people drive into this town every day. It's even more amazing to sit and watch everything going on. Little by little things start to pick up, lights start to go on in various buildings, and the city becomes a haven for capitalism for another day. Now if it just wasn't for the damn parking rates everything would be perfect.

+ Tuesday - September 29, 1998

I really love watching Ally McBeal. A lot of it has to do with the characters, the humor, etc, but mostly it has to do with how Ally deals with whole Billy situation. The whole thing between those two reminds me so much of everything that happened with Trisha. Two people, totally in love, who basically grew up together and were inseparable, and then split up because of college. In the show, Billy has found himself a wife, and Ally is still single. And of course every once and a while Ally is reminded of the old times with Billy. This same situation happens to me and I can't say it's always easy. Trisha meant everything to me, and in many ways she still does. Ally goes through life with this same notion about Billy. In reality it's usually really difficult, as it is for Ally when it happens to her. I think most people find it makes great drama for television, I however find it makes for a great recreation of my life.

+ Saturday - September 26, 1998

In an attempt to give my buddy Jesse as much exposure as possible, I'm submitting a link to Quasistatic.com. Go there, check it out, and see what the life of my favorite officemate is all about.

+ Thursday - September 24, 1998

You know what really sucks? Having dreams about your ex-girlfriend. Last night I had a dream about April. I have no idea where we were but we were in some house and alone. We were sitting together, talking and the like and she was being sorta flirty. This took me by surprise. What took me more by surprise was the fact that she asked me if I wanted to go down to Chicago with her for the weekend. I of course said yes, and then I remember we were suddenly at her house, but after we got there the dream ended. It's not the dream that I really hate, it's how I feel afterward. I wake up and remember that it's just me in my apartment, alone, and I'm upset because I wanted the dream to be real, because it seemed real and seemed so much like the way I remember things being. I loved going to April's house. While I think Chicago is just alright, just being at her house and hanging out was so much fun. I've been thinking about the dream all day (which is another reason I hate when this happens) and about how much I miss those times. They seem so long ago, and they were. But while I miss those times, I'm grateful I at least had them, or I would never have dreams like the one I had last night. And I suppose that's something to be thankful for.

+ Monday - September 21, 1998

Today is art day boys and girls. I spent some time working on a logo for a local band today, and since I have nothing really to say that's worth anything today (I mean I haven't watched Ally yet), you get to see my creation. It's for the band Radio 5. And if you're not color blind, you should be able to read "radio 5".

+ Sunday - September 20, 1998

You know, you learn a lot by being alone. A lot of times it really sucks cuz you're always trying to find something to do, something exciting, but that rarely happens when no one is around. I think most people in this situation feel as though they need something, someone, and they think about the good times in the past, or what other people have and become jealous. That's such an easy feeling to have, but I think it takes a strong person to realize what they really have right there in front of them...opportunity. Opportunity to do anything. See, when you're alone you're not constrained by many people, especially not a girl/boyfriend, you're able to live your life in any way you want, and on your own terms. I think many people are frightened by this prospect. And it's because not many people are satisfied just doing something for themselves and feeling good about it. In a way, that's sorta sad, but hey, I fall into the exact same trap as everyone else. I mean, hell, we're all human right?

+ Wednesday - September 16, 1998

Girlfriends, or girl friends rather, are difficult to figure out sometimes. Not in the sense that I wouldn't know what they are thinking, but rather, I never know what I should be thinking. I have many friends who are girls, some closer than others, but it's amazing how when you really get to know a girl and become good friends, it's so easy to fall for them. This has happened a lot to me in my life, but I haven't dated many of my girl friends. Why? Well, it's them. I'm not sure why, but it seems to me that females generally don't want to go out with their good friends. And I'm not the only one this happens to. This happens to all my guy friends. It's something that frustrates us guys to no end. It's like you get to know a girl, and she becomes your best friend, you always have a great time with her, you talk about everything, she comes to you of all people when she has a problem, and then dates some asshole off the street (which usually happens to be the problem she comes running to you about). Sometimes I wonder if this behavior is genetic, like that other chromosome that us men don't have makes them do these weird things. I guess when I think about it though, there are girls I am friends with that I wouldn't go out with. This is mainly because I know it just wouldn't work out. One of those, it's a great friendship, but as a relationship we have nothing in common type things. Perhaps that's the way the girl friends I have and would like to date see it. While it really sucks at times, I still get to hang out with great people, and have a wonderful time. I also know my friendship with the girls will last a long time. And I suppose that's a lot more than any of their boyfriends can say.

+ Monday - September 14, 1998

I've always wondered what it would be like to be a rocket scientist. So many people use the phrase "It doesn't take a rocket scientist..." that I'm curious how rocket scientists actually feel. Do they feel left out, as if their supreme knowledge on jet propulsion doesn't matter when doing simple tasks, or do they feel good to know that there are some things that do take a rocket scientist to figure out, and that unlike the rest of us, they know how to solve those problems. I often wonder where the phrase comes from as well. Obviously, rocket scientists seem to be more "intelligent" than the average human, but being a rocket scientist can't be the hardest job in the world. I think it would be harder to clone an animal than design a nuclear warhead. For that matter, I think it's harder to figure out the opposite sex than it is to figure out space shuttle trajectories. So maybe those rocket scientists aren't so smart after all...

+ Thursday - September 10, 1998

I love Assembly. Call me a geek but working in assembly is really the only way to program. Maybe it has something to do with being so close to the hardware. I mean, if you're good enough, you never have to use memory. You just swap stuff out of registers (which is WAY faster for those of you who have no clue what I'm talking about). The coolest part though is the XCHG (exchange) command. Usually when you want swap the places of two variables, you need three places to put them. Say you had two people in a car, one in the driver's seat, one in the passenger seat. Now you want to switch drivers. Well, the guy in the passenger seat gets out of the car. He then waits outside until the guy in the drivers seat moves over to the passenger side. Then the guy who used to be in the passenger side, can now sit in the drivers side. A computer sorta works the same way...unless you use the XCHG command in Assembly. The command basically switches the passenger and driver, without anyone having to get out of the car and wait for the driver spot to be open. It's like: 1..2..3..SWAP! And then it's done! It's just too cool. Then again stonewashed jeans used to be cool, so...

+ Tuesday - September 8, 1998

Going out to bars with a group of people in a big city is a lot different than in a small town. The first thing you'd think would be different is the people. Most small towns have a local bar or tavern (in fact, I know of many towns that are simply just a bar or tavern, that's their whole commerce system). People who frequent bars in small towns are usually lower middle class. The hard working american. You know the type. People who frequent bars in a large city come from a variety of backgrounds. It's more cosmopolitan. But one thing that I found out is that no matter where you go, there are still townie's at any bar. Yup, even in the big city. They're a little harder to find, but if you look closely, you will find them. They won't be at the up scale bars, but at the real dives (not unlike small town bars). However, bars in big cities come in all shapes and sizes. There's a bar for every kind of taste. Perhaps that's why they don't seem as fun. Bars in small towns are of the "one size fits all" variety. Everyone fits in at a small town bar. They're simply more personal. And they have to be in order to survive. Perhaps that's what makes them such great hangouts over their big city counterparts. Joe Rouer's, here I come.

+ Saturday - September 5, 1998

Work. It's one of those things you either love or hate. For me it's both. Today I really got into this site I was working on, and went gung-ho on it for about 5 hours straight. I got a lot accomplished in that time. I usually do when I have nobody around and I can really get into things. Then there are the times when there are lots of people around, distractions, and times when my mind wanders. I never get much work done in these situations. Which is probably why I accomplish so much on the weekend. The problem is that it is pretty sad that I even come in on the weekend at all. I should be going out and having fun. Seeing all of Minnesota, what there is to do here, and exploring. But that doesn't seem to be happening. It's a bit disappointing, given the fact that I was the person who went out the most out of everyone I know back at school (I even got "awards" for this). But when I started school my life wasn't about going out either. Give me a few years. It'll probably be rare to see me on VitaVision on a saturday then.

+ Friday - September 4, 1998

I'm not sure how mom's of the world do it. Usually as their children, we often think they're wrong and don't know what they're talking about, though we still end up going to them when something goes wrong. And of course when I talk to my mother I think she has no idea what it's like to be me, she doesn't understand what I'm going through and that she never will. So why is it that she's the only person who consistently makes me feel good after I talk to her? I think mom's have some psychic powers of some sort, but I haven't yet figured it out.

I often wonder who, if anyone, will move out here someday. My friends talk about it, and I'm really happy they are. Of all the places I could live this place seems like the most fun, and most full of opportunity after college. This is why I moved here. I could have been with my friends by staying in Green Bay, but I had to move on a bit, like everyone should. And I expect everyone to do that, I just hope that even if nobody moves out here, they find what makes them happy.

+ Thursday - September 3, 1998

It's amazing what a few good talks can do for a person. I talked with Nicole last night and she's probably got more to deal with than I do right now. Sometimes, when you know that someone else is going through a tough time in life, things don't seem to be so bad. Then I got email from Bob, and it was encouraging. I don't know why I can't do well when people question me. You'd think that'd be the time when I'd do everything to prove them wrong, but it stops me in my tracks. The flip side is that it's amazing what I can do if people say what I'm doing rocks (even if it's not the full truth). Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm to dependent on people, and araid of rejection. Life would be a lot easier if I just went about my day and what people thought didn't matter. Of course, then I wouldn't be who I am. Well, like my old supervisor at the bank used to say when something was going wrong there, "Day by day."

+ Wednesday - September 2, 1998

Ah, yes, now this is hell. I hit a brick wall realizing that I'm not gonna be in school anymore while realizing I still need to get adjusted here, and then I get called in by my boss today to talk about my work. Needless to say running into two brick walls is not fun. Really none of this is a big deal. Missing school is just me missing old times, and it's all in my head. The job thing isn't that major either. I just hate to bug people or talk up myself and that's what people want here so they know what to give who, etc. It's what I thought it would be, but I now it keeps me thinking that nobody here thinks I can do anything, nor do it well, or at all. That's probably not the case. H. John has been really helpful in this all. I'm assuming he talked to Scott (my boss) since Scott said he talked to a lot of people. I have a good indication of who gave him a bad review of me, and who a good one. And if I'm right I could really give a shit cuz they're bastards anyway. It just seems to knock me down a bit. But after hitting two brick walls in two days, what did I expect?

+ Tuesday - September 1, 1998

Going back to college after you graduate sucks. Mainly because you love it so much. I went back to Norberts this weekend, and had fun, saw all my friends (since 90% of them are still there) and broke my favorite necklace (which pissed me off). It's amazingly hard to see everyone you know go back to school again. I felt as though I should be there moving in with them, getting ready for more CS classes with Pankratz. However I did notice that even if I was back, things just didn't seem right. Something was missing. While the people were pretty much the same and the place was the same, it was a new year, it wasn't last year, and it wasn't what I remember it being. I finally realized how much of an alumni I really am. Which bites, cuz I don't have this real world shit down yet, and it's finally sinked in I'm not in college anymore. I keep wondering if it's possible to have a quarter life crisis or something. Oh well, I survived once when I went from high school to college, I can do it again I suppose. I just wish I wasn't such a procrastinator at life.